How Dance Changed my life
At a young age I always wanted to dance. I wanted to be a ballerina and my mom finally put me in a class but pulled me out after the first one. To this day, I do not know why. I just remember being devastated and heartbroken.
Growing up with Syrian Culture on my dads side, I learned the Dabke at a very young age and would listen to my grandmothers Arabic records. Through the years, I danced in my bedroom doors closed with blaring music. In high school I tried out for various dance troupes, but was always told I just did not have it or that I was too shy and would not make it. I was crushed. I dreamed of dancing that is all I wanted to do.
In my early 20’s I became part of a dance and singing troupe! I was finally dancing, singing and performing and truly loving it! The troupe dissolved and again I was alone with no dance in my life. I got married, had kids, but danced in the kitchen and living room, sometimes embarrassing my kids totally being a true mom! I became a cheer leading coach and I would choreograph little dance routines and loving it! These girls always made me proud and teaching them was amazing! I had ages anywhere from 3 on up to 12. I was not only teaching them how to dance but also taught them that they could be anything they wanted. I saw these little girls gain confidence and faces lighting up! I was doing something I love and giving back!
The other coach, who was also a friend told me she had been taking belly dance classes and asked if I wanted to go to class? Yes! I went to my first class and I remember thinking what if I am not good enough? What if I can not do this? I immediately fell in love! It was mostly Cab with a little bit of ATS. I was performing, making costumes, choreographed our first duet and my very first solo I was loving it and loving life! Years passed and I was the only student left and eventually my teacher stopped teaching. Crushed, I knew I needed to continue so I practiced at home, danced old choreography’s and searched the internet for anything I could get my hands on.
My world came crashing down on me the D word after 23 years of marriage. I was crushed and broken and not fully understanding how and what happened. I turned to my dance and it truly was the only thing that held me together!Every single breath, move and emotion came out as I danced and it soothed my soul! I started dancing for my friends and I would teach them a few movements. They would tell me how good I was and that I should think about teaching. I thought they were just being supportive like friends should be, but I asked myself, why not? I worked on my technique and skills for 2 years 2006-2008. I came across Leyla Najma and became her online student and she took me under her wing. I was like a little sponge and soaked everything in that I could! I listened to every word of hers and did everything she told me to do! I was growing, learning and expanding and it felt good! In April of 2008, I opened up my own studio where my 2nd husband and I where living and I had 8 students! I honestly do not know how this happened because there was very little advertising but I was teaching and happy! Recitals and dancing in parades! I was teaching Egyptian Cabaret and having the time of my life! I was happy again!
In 2010. I met Paulette Rees-Denis at a workshop in Columbus, Ohio and fell in love with Tribal! This was the complete opposite of the glitzy style! The movements felt natural, organic and good in my body. There was also something about Paulette an energy and light that flowed to me and I wanted more! I went to a few more workshops of hers and I will never forget the time she asked me to be her Ohio girl! I nearly fell and felt like I was dreaming and in the back of my mind I was thinking; can I fill these enormous shoes and am I good enough? At the same time, I was very honored and I did not want to disappoint and let her down. Despite my fears, I jumped in with both feet and said yes! In the back of my mind I thought Oh goodness! What have you done?! This was the start of my journey in Gypsy Caravan Tribal Bellydance.
My personal life came to another halt. My husband had a mental illness and he was having an episode and shaved my head with a wahl trimmer and razor and beat me. I was crushed, hurt and wonder how can someone who loves me do this to me? This lead to a dissolution and I left. I packed all my things and moved my daughter and cat to mom and dads. I was hurt and broken inside and I felt my soul was gone and my world shatter in little tiny pieces of sharp glass. I again immersed myself in the dance. This dance saved my life! Without the dance, I would not have been able to heal. Dance has and was the only constant thing in my life. It brought me out of the darkness.
In 2012 I started on my intensive training with Paulette because I wanted to teach this dance form and share my newfound love and passion for it. At this time, I was in a dance studio and my classes where going very well. I was also now taking ballroom which was something I always wanted to do. I was dancing, loving life! I met someone new and everything was amazing! I was living a dream and life was good! I was dancing and traveling to places I had never been and dreamed of! Getting certifications under my belt from Collective soul to teacher training, Tribal Grooves, Tribal Grooves Master and more! See I believe investing in yourself but it was also an investment in who I was and my self worth. I became part of Gyspsy Caravan International and I remember that day just like it was yesterday! At the time I was in Portland training with Paulette along with 2 others. This was totally something I never saw in my path and it felt like a dream! I attended my first Tribal Summitt that year too and it was an amazing and mind blown experience! I was in awe of my path and this dance! During this time my dream have having my own dance studio was burning in my soul.
Out of the blue, the studio I was teaching at closed in September 2016. I was determined to find a place for my classes. I reached out to this lady who owned a gym. It was not a perfect or ideal but it was a space and I made the best of it. I had to have a studio! I was teaching and working a retail job and my hope was to quit my job and teach full time. So I Continued to work with Paulette through coaching setting out to pursue my dreams!
Again, my life came to a crashing halt again! My mom unexpectedly passed away from a heeart attack of February 2017. How was I going to live without her. Broken but holding strong for my dad. Dance again was the only thing that pulled me through this huge loss. My last gift to my mom was to do her hair and makeup for the funeral at first it was an uneasy feeling as I walked in and saw her. My heart was in pieces and I stood there crying; tears streaming down my face. I grabbed my phone and turned on Can’t stop this feeling! I played it over and over! This was a Tribal Grooves Choreography and in the darkness it gave me light and happiness and hope! Strangely it made me feel secure. Sometimes my mom and I did not see eye to eye with my dancing but she always supported me.
In July 2018, the retail store I worked at closed its doors. Funny, how the universe does things for you when your too fearful to do it alone to take that step.
I started looking for the perfect space. Everything was either too old or too expensive. During this time a lady called me and as we were talking she actually wanted to open up a studio too. So we worked together to find a place, but I was still searching on my own and to this day I am still keeping my eyes open. During this time my personal life came crashing to a halt again. Alcoholism and verbal abuse from my boyfriend. I kept thinking things would get better but only got worse. I kept pushing through and focused on my dancing and finding a studio. Thinking things would get better and everything would work out.
In August of 2018 we found a perfect spot for the studio and by Oct 2018 it was fully functioning and open! My dream came true!
At this same time my dad broke his shoulder and my boyfriends drinking and abuse continued my life on that side was spiraling out of control and I felt like I was drowning and could not find my way to the surface. I reached out to Paulette. I felt she was the only person I could talk to since my mom passed away. What I never expected from this dance is the bond of friendships! I had been living with my boyfriend and decide to leave to take care of my dad. I needed to do this for myself but dad too. Things with my boyfriend and I did not get any better. I was fighting with depression, anxiety and felt hopeless inside. The only thing I had was this dance and all my Gypsy Caravan Sisters and the studio. The studio was my safe space. It was the only place I could go and forget about all the things in my life and just dance and be me. It was truly the only thing that was holding me together as I felt like I was shattered glass so many broken pieces that could never be put back together. I had to force myself out of bed, force myself to go to class and teach. It was the only thing that made me feel better once I was there. It gave me strength and life and courage. See it is not just about the dance but it is about life! It taught me so much more how to care for myself and love me for who I am and where I am at!
Today, I am living my dreams and living for dad and I. That is my priority as I help my dad through his transition of life living with Alzheimers. This dance has blessed my life in so many ways and taken me on paths I never would have dreamed of and to this day my path is still expanding and forever changing! I continue my training and taking on new things and new leadership! I am excited about life again and following my own path! Dance has taught me to stand up and be my own, glorious, warrior women self. I am transforming and opening up and it’s such a glorious thing! It has been an amazing ride and I have to thank dance for it all!
